A pretty common New Years resolution is to improve yourself through working out at the gym. However, entering a gym for the first time can be a daunting experience. The odor of sweat, whirring of strange machines and grunts of ex-Soviet bodybuilders can fill a newcomer’s heart with dread and confusion. Well, with this simple guide, I hope to take the ‘pain’ out of ‘gympainium’ and help you sculpt your body into a shiny leather bag full of hazelnuts.

But first, before you embark on your journey of muscle-discovery, you must reflect on your inner self and answer a few simple questions. Are you willing to pass up potential social plans in favor of pumping iron? Are you willing to see the distorted, naked, greying bodies of old people in the locker rooms? Do you have no other athletic abilities that you could funnel into a sport? Are you okay with entering the same gray, depressing building every day with the same group of sad, defeated men and women until the inescapable stench of death clogs up every pore in your once-full of life body? If yes, then the gym is the right place for you!

The most essential part to your new fitness regime is cardio. Without cardio, your heart will literally explode if you attempt any form of lifting. Cardio comes from the latin root ‘card,’ meaning ‘a card,’ and ‘-io,’ meaning ‘a hollow muscular organ that pumps the blood through the circulatory system by rhythmic contraction and dilation.” To newcomers, cardio can seem like a tedious and painful introduction to fitness. Well, as you’re about to discover, it is all that, and much more.

The first machine that you’ll have to know is The Scamper Machine. On it, a repurposed tank tread spins at rapid and random speeds, creating the same effect as an industrial sander. You stand on the tread and move your legs as fast as possible, as if running away from the problems in your life. The Scamper Machine was invented by the ancient Romans in order to test the legs of the boys that wanted to join the priesthood. Thanks to modern science, you, too, can enjoy all the scamper machine has to offer without having to worship ancient gods.

The next step up from the scamper machine is The Trek. It has two oar blade-like pedals, designed to simulate the snowshoes used in Siberian gulag marches. Often, in upper-scale muscle houses, eastern European men will stand behind The Trek and whip your back with knotted Encouragement Ropes™.

Now that you’ve mastered cardio, it’s time to move on to the next step: Lifting. Colloquially known as ‘heavy hoisting,’ lifting is a one-way ticket to strongtown. If you don’t lift, your arms will wither away like the dreams of a dying old man. There are a few basic tools used in the world of lifting. The central piece is the strongbranch. The strongbranch is an iron bar off of which you can hang ‘heavy bevans’. Heavy bevans vary in weight, from small child to not-small cars. These two simple tools, when used correctly, will have you looking like a shaved chimp in no time.

Want a chest and arms like the foundation of a house? Do Hard Hoorays. Take a strongbranch and load it with as many heavy bevans as you want. Lay down on the sacrificial beds strewn around your gym and place the strongbranch on the holders above your head. After praying to the gods of your choice, take the strongbranch and repeatedly move it up and down above your chest. Every time you fully extend your arms, yell “Hooray!” because it means you avoided the strongbranch falling and crushing you to death for yet another hoist. Continue until you drop the weight on your chest and die.

Want legs like a really big elbow macaroni? Just do Liar’s Chair. Load your strongbranch with bevans. Now rest the strongbranch on your neck and lower your rear into an imaginary chair. Upon reaching the seat, exclaim “Why, I’ve been duped! There is no chair at all!.” Then stand back up with a huff of indignation. Repeat this exercise until someone apologizes for stealing your chair.

Want buttocks like sculpted gold? Try Capricious Acquisitions. As before, begin by weighing down the strongbranch with the heavy bevans. Now leave it on the floor. Look at it. Think to yourself “Ooh! I want that.” Decision made, settle your feet beneath the ‘branch, squat down like you’re using a foreign toilet and grasp it firmly in both hands. Pick up the Bevans by pushing up with your legs then straightening your back with pride. “Look what I’ve got!” you exclaim, beaming with delight. Then let your boredom take hold. Tire of the new thing you have picked up and decide to put it back where you found it. Once you’ve returned it to the ground, take a moment to clear your head and gleefully notice the object at your feet. Pick it up once more, enthusiastically showing your peers your new trinket. Repeat these actions for as long as your whimsy can be indulged.

You’re well on your way to becoming a muscle master, much like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Arnold “Big Man” Schwarzenegger and Henry “Goes to Lakeridge” Adams. Continue to do these exercises and watch the muscles and body image roll in! But, of course, you don’t have to stop here. Ever since I invented exercise in 1981, people have been coming up with all new forms of moving your body around. Whether doing Dancing Daves, cankles or simply hoisting heavy bevans, everyone can find and enjoy ways to build muscle and destroy tendons and bone structures. Remember, “If you’re not lifting, you’re lacking!”