10 Alternatives to Toilet Paper

Ian Proctor, Staff Writer

We are living in a truly unprecedented time in history. The COVID-19 pandemic is an international health crisis.

 As a consequence of this disaster, things like hospital beds, masks and ventilators are in short supply, and so is the one thing that instantly comes to mind when you think of the word “viral pandemic”: Toilet paper.

And so, to help maintain hygiene during this disaster, here are 10 things one can use instead of toilet paper.


1. A leaf. Leaves sure aren’t in short supply. It’s Mother Nature’s peace offering – “here’s a wide, flat, thin object right outside your window”. Not only that, but leaves are newer, and softer, in the springtime. Of course, not all leaves would work, like those of a Poison Oak plant. 


2. The grill of your car. Try signing your name, it’s a display of ownership.


3. Your old homework from before the quarantine. You won’t be needing that anytime soon.


4. Your library books. You probably won’t have a chance to turn these in for another couple of months at the very least, but that hefty fine increases the risk factor.


5. A receipt from Target. You won’t be making any returns for another five months. This is also payback for running out of toilet paper.


6. Your passport. It’s also unnecessary.


7. Your paycheck. Actually, don’t; it could be your last paycheck ever.


8. Wrapping paper. After all, the next birthday party you’re gonna have is when you turn 40.


9. Bleach spray. It cleans and disinfects; don’t inject it though.


10. Your anti-quarantine protest sign. It’ll probably make your message much clearer, and much less stupid.