Jeb Bush Campaign Platform to Include Poisoning Land, Water, and Sky, Forfeiting Other Basic Human Rights

Henry Adams, Editor-In-Chief

In an article written for The Wall Street Journal, Jeb Bush fully detailed his radical campaign platform, which includes repealing the Environmental Protection Act. The EPA imposes wussy, oppressive and downright communist restrictions on the maximum amount of emissions that any strong, red-blooded, capitalistic American company can produce. Namely, it cuts down on the amount of “carbon emissions” and water and land “pollutants” that any given company can produce.

“As early as possible, I promise to roll back many of the most reckless and damaging rules promulgated under President Obama”, says Bush, who also promised to personally kick every shrub in the USA. He acknowledges that, although it may take a while, he will do it, and if anyone claims that he shouldn’t, he will personally fight them.

In repealing the EPA, as well as other regulatory rules, such as quality rules and food labeling, that apply to multi-billion dollar corporations, Bush hopes to make it easier for small, local businesses, the majority of which are hugely restricted by these rules, to get started. His concern for the “little guy” is clear here. Bush is just a common, hard-working, southern man, with a multi-million bid for presidency and an extremely powerful world of connections. He just wants the average mom and pop store to succeed, and to make millions from campaign donations and corporate “sponsorship.” What a down-to-earth and humble member of the political dynasty that is the Bush family.

“Today, according to the World Bank—not exactly a right-wing think tank—the U.S. ranks 46th in the world in terms of ease of starting a business. That is unacceptable,” said Bush.

Despite the fact that countries ahead of us in ranking are either socialist-democratic countries or war-torn third world countries, this statistic of America, the best country in the universe, being not first is alarming indeed. In order to make America leave the “worst economic expansion since World War II”, we obviously must continue to pave the way for huge multi-national corporations at the expense of the people. This genius, revolutionary, absolutely inspired idea of Bush’s is one that will permanently change America for the better.

Additionally, Bush announced his plan to axe net neutrality, thereby winning complete control over the millennial vote. As we all know, everyone, including millennials, enjoys dial-up speeds and cable TV, so why not take that highly successful and enjoyable model and transfer it to the internet? By allowing companies to continue in their monopolistic ways, we allow America to grow. With this, Bush delivers his master stroke, cinching the election entirely.

“These rules create a moat around America’s wealthiest and well-connected,” said Bush in his  article. It truly restores one’s faith in humanity to see one of America’s wealthiest and most well-connected people trying to reduce those just like him. I can’t wait to see him donate his family’s fortune and the countless millions that mega-corporations are pouring into his pockets to charity in a selfless act of good nature, thereby subverting hundreds of years of mainstream American politics due to the goodness of his heart.

Within his policies, Bush’s genius really shines through. In destroying the earth, air, and water, he is three fifths of the way to destroying the Planeteers of Captain Planet, his most ancient enemy. This three fifths, Bush believes, will be enough for him to completely destroy Captain Planet, after which he allegedly plans to assume Planet’s role, taking control of the entire planet. He reportedly plans to instate his own children as the Planeteers. When asked what he planned to do after this, he had no comment.