More Hilarious and Sarcastic Self Help: How to Have a Good Spring Break

Henry Adams, Writer

For your spring break, you might plan to catch up on sleep, visit colleges, or maybe hang out with your friends. However, that won’t create any wacky, crazy, hilarious teenage memories that you can reflect on when you’re a sad decrepit old person with nothing to do other than bore your cool grandchildren with lame stories of wasted time. No, what you really want is to have a wild, goofy, and potentially life-threatening spring break, full of revelry and buffoonery in the brief respite you’ve been granted from the slave-house that is school. And, being the crazy party dude that I am, I’m taking some time before this sick rave I’m going to in order to share with you a few tips on how to have a great spring break, handed down to me straight from the party gods.

Let’s start with some basic activities that can make for a memorable spring break. A classic is putting off your homework until the last possible minute. This simultaneously allows you to practice your procrastination skills and living with horrible, soul crushing obligations floating above your head, both of which are great practice for adulthood. Another fun activity to do is to hang out with your friends that you see every single day at school, rather than deigning to give your loving parents even one moment with their beloved child that they birthed and raised. However, my personal favorite spring break activity is to hunker down inside, recycling the same stale air that came out of dinosaurs, while watching Netflix or playing League of Legends. It’s a fantastic alternative to getting out and enjoying the beautiful world and all it has to offer, concomitantly allowing you to stuff your face with Doritos and Mountain Dew.

If you need a place to go, but aren’t sure where to go, well then boy do I have advice for you. Try going somewhere that sounds foreign and expensive. No matter where or how it actually is, being able to set your location to “L’Croissant” or “Perrier” will make people jealous of you being rich enough to afford a place with a cool name. It’s also advisable to take as many pictures as possible in this fancy place, so that there is indisputable proof that you were actually there. Once, I traveled to the Sun, but since I didn’t take many pictures, people said that I “used Photoshop” and was “going to fail my presentation if I didn’t get back on track right now, Mr. Adams.”

The final thing to do is to find a place with good “seltential,” which is a word that smart scientists created to mean “selfie potential.” A place with good selfie potential is a place with good lighting and a marginally interesting background. The background will make you feel less narcissistic for posting what is essentially just a picture of yourself, while the good lighting will help said picture of yourself look its best. If it’s warm enough, be sure to wear a swimsuit in order to show off your scantily-clad body– that way, people will undoubtedly be jealous of the crazy party lifestyle that you lead- and then they’ll like your photo! In the end, that’s what it’s all about. Life isn’t about furthering your education, helping others, or expanding yourself as a person- it’s about how many times your phone vibrates after posting something.